Submitted by Karen (www.pinchhitmarketing.com)

Valentine’s Day is near, and the media are full of ads touting the ideal gifts for your sweetheart. Take some advice from a mature, hopelessly romantic woman. We don’t want cheap polyester underpants covered in hearts, and we don’t want some fuzzy knick-knack that’ll end up being given to a child or tossed in the air as a toy for an English Springer Spaniel.

What we want is something from the pyramid. Yes, like the food pyramid which the FDA created to help people understand how to eat healthy, this pyramid helps men understand how to make the most romantic of gestures, how to avoid giving cheesy or unappreciated gifts, and how to keep your romantic relationships healthy.

At the top of the gift pyramid is the Jewelry Group. Women love jewelry whether it’s a clunky trinket with a cute little heart charm or the full blown knock me over diamond heirloom that actually would make a woman scream, “I love this man,” at the top of her lungs in a crowded city square. With one exception (rubber charity bracelets), you can never go wrong with jewelry.

Next up, the Cosmetic Group. We’re very particular about the types of cosmetics we use and the type of perfume we wear. The fact that you, significant other, might like the smell of something is no guarantee that your lady will. In fact, many women can’t stand the smell of some perfumes and get horrible headaches – real headaches – that will put the damper on any romantic escapades you might have planned. If you feel the need to buy perfume for your honey, stay out of the drug store! Another note -while it’s perfectly okay for a woman to buy alpha hydroxy anti-wrinkle cream; it would be an insult if her significant were to do it.

In the middle, and appropriately so, is the Chocolate Group. Few women I know can resist the pleasures of chocolate. Apparently, as legend would have it, Casanova, arguably the world’s greatest lover (next to my husband of course), ate chocolate for its aphrodisiac properties. Even the Aztecs and their Emperor, Montezuma, used the cocoa bean delicacy to put them in the mood. They believed chocolate made women less inhibited and increased the prowess of men. It has long been considered the preferred gift of love from a man to a woman – if only as a mechanism to get them into the sack. This Valentine’s day, if you’re going to put this theory to the test, go for the good stuff. I can’t imagine that Russell Stover would work as well as a box of Belgian Neuhaus.

Next, the Pleasure Group. (No, I’m not talking about gifts that arrive in plain brown packages in your mailbox and require batteries.) I’m talking about the gifts that all women crave: gifts that land you in the Spa. Facials, massages, body scrubs, manicures, pedicures – there’s an endless menu of wonderful treatments that’ll tell the woman you love she deserves to take some time to pamper herself.

Finally, the largest portion of the pyramid and most important, is the Romantic Notions Group. Like water and whole grains on the food pyramid, a woman needs more of the Romantic Notions than gifts from any other group. Tiffany toggle bracelets are fine, but having “I’d marry you all over again,” “you’re hotter now than when I met you” or a simple “I love you” whispered into your ear will do more to sustain a close, romantic relationship.

This Valentine’s Day, pay attention to the pyramid. Skip the stuffed animals in lieu of something that shows the woman you love how important she is to you. Who knows? Maybe you’ll even get lucky.