Thank heaven there isn’t the equivalent of a Nobel Prize for parenting. I wouldn’t even get a nomination. Oh, I did all the right things: I fed my children organic food, limited the amount of “sugar cereals” consumed, exposed them to books, culture, and diversity. They received all their vaccinations. But in the midst of all of my efforts, I did make a few mistakes. These mistakes are what my children remember.

For instance, when both children were in elementary school, I happened to read an article proclaiming the positive effects of a high fiber diet. Experts concluded that people who ate lots of fiber had lower rates of cancer, heart disease, constipation, and other health threats. That was enough for me. I rushed out and bought little plastic shakers for each family member, which I filled with BRAN. The instructions were to keep the shaker on one’s person at all times, and to shake it vigorously on all comestibles. We all dutifully did this for about a week, until we began to gag at meals and spend extended time in the bathroom. The girls also reported that they were becoming the targets of bullying. The bran experiment was suspended.

During the bran interval, I also began to hear bad things about hormones and antibiotics in beef. Apparently, American children were developing breasts too early, and getting cancers! I did not want my girls to look like Mae West at age nine, nor did I want them to get cancer, and so after one particularly disturbing newscast, I rushed into the kitchen and heaved all meat products into the trash. This abrupt dietary shift caused anguish and withdrawal, plus some nasty attitudes!

As a nurturer, I was a “helicopter” parent. In an effort to ease up on the controls, I gave permission for my eight year old to go to the park near our house unsupervised. For the first time. She returned home missing one shoe, with a sprained ankle and a concussion. We spent a tense night in the ER, and the local CSI team became involved! The police determined that she was not abducted and drugged, but simply fell off the monkey bars at the playground. But not before all the neighbors were involved and the populace of our little suburb experienced widespread panic. The helicopter RETURNED.

One notable year, when the budget was tight, but vacation time loomed, I did a little research into low cost vacations abroad. I spent hours on the internet, and pored over travel books. More than one travel “guru” recommended trips to tropical countries, and I decided that we could become eco-tourists. Taking two teenagers to a third world country where perhaps five people speak English is a mistake. Going on nature walks where backpacks and fitness evaluations are required beforehand is a mistake. Standing directly below a volcano as it begins to erupt is terrifying. The whole trip was a nightmare, yet the girls LOVE reminiscing about those bugs that stood up and hissed.

A mother with no regrets is TELLING LIES.