I don’t know why they even bother to go out to dinner. You know them: the couples who sit, picking at their food, staring into space? Often at the best table, wearing their finest, they manage somehow to make all the other diners uncomfortable with their obvious lack of interest in one another. Mostly, they are of a “certain age.” I think these older couples just need a little nudge to get the dialogue flowing. A few good conversation starters, and even the least communicative duos might find themselves having a fascinating evening. I imagine them now, sipping their Old Fashioneds, and chatting gaily about topics like:

What will those crazy kids say next?

“Frank, did you know that a “wedgie” isn’t a kind of shoe? I think it has something to do with buttocks.”

Reality television

“Bernice, have you watched any of those new shows out? You know, the ones about real people? I hear that some of them have people dancing on tropical islands, and then a panel of British chefs vote and send the worst ones home. After that, they all have a great big scavenger hunt. I don’t understand why they are so popular. I find them quite confusing.”

The state of the economy

“Harold, you are just going to have to start eating stewed prunes with me every morning. The price of Metamucil has gone up ten cents in the past year! I don’t know what those drug companies are thinking—that we seniors are made of gold?”

Sports

“I don’t know how your brother plays golf with that truss on.”

Politics

“That Mitt Romney seems like such a wonderful, handsome young man. Really, Milton, he is such a family man! But do all Mormons put their dogs on the top of their cars? Or is that just a Romney family tradition?”

The internet

“Florence, are you familiar with Facepage and Twitler? They are very popular these days with the kids. They do that stuff on the internet. I got on the internet one time, at my niece’s house. She’s always on Googler. I think all of that is such a waste of time. Why do young people like typing so much? What’s wrong with the telephone?

Gossip

“Frank, did you hear that the Bensons have separated? Yes. They tried everything to stay together: rhumba lessons, skydiving, yoga, and even gourmet cooking classes. But Harvey got gout, and Gracie slipped a disc. So now they are divorcing…”

But I might just be barking up the wrong tree. Perhaps older couples don’t want to have conversations. Maybe Frank, Edna, Bernice, Milton, and Harold are all talked out. And the Bensons are obviously exhausted. Maybe “date nights” are overrated, once you hit a certain age.

There is a lot to be said for peace, quiet, and a nice shrimp cocktail.