Any Monday morning, 6:00am So, if I make lunches first, then I’m showering while the kids are eating breakfast.  If I shower first, then I can hang out with the kids and make lunches while they’re eating breakfast. But before I shower, I need to check my email.  Jesus Christ, when did my gmail account turn into spam central?  I gotta unsubscribe from all this sh*t.  Except for J … [Read more...]

Crap mornings shoot my day.  I wish my kids would just do what I ask them to do the first time I ask them to do it.  I swear, that alone would procure a lifetime’s supply rainbows and butterflies.  But after I’ve repeated the words “brush your teeth” 15 times, I’m bound to lose my shit. Really, deep down in their pure little five and seven year old hearts, they’re asking for … [Read more...]

I was 16.  I liked a boy.  Like, more than a friend.  He took me to his sister's Quince, a night cruise, and introduced me to Rum and Coke. I think I had three, maybe seven, total.  The spins were bad, but I could see (clearly) him making out with a girl who was moving from Miami to Tanzania like, immediately. That girl WAS NOT me. Bastard. I was 16.  I still liked that boy.  Like, … [Read more...]

I had a birth plan.  I had an iPod playlist, a hospital bag and a birth plan.  Three days after his due date, he stopped moving inside me.  They discovered my amniotic fluid level was low.  Then they discovered he was presenting face first.  I had a birth plan.  I got a c-section.  Involving a crazy amount of blood-loss and an extended, very painful recovery period. And…a perfect … [Read more...]

I've decided I'm not going to yell in the mornings. I'm going to feign happiness. I'm going to channel my inner Morning Person. I'm going to be the bigger person in power struggles with my four year old. (Yes, I realize he's a mere three apples high. But believe me when I say that the size of his personality rivals even that of Robin Williams.) This morning it wasn't my fault. I … [Read more...]

I wish I could say that I am a professional multi-tasker.  As a working mom that’d be an incredible asset to my cv.  If I could dictate emails while making my kids lunches in the shower, I’d be so all set. But the truth of the matter is, I can’t even brush my teeth and look in the mirror at the same time. Sigh. My husband had to stop speaking to me in the car yesterday so I … [Read more...]

Yesterday, I got home from work to a hysterical 3 year old who hurt his pinky toe “so badly, Mommy!  Owww!” I swear this child has cornered the market on drama queen-dom.  It’s unreal, the way he bats his absurdly long eyelashes and checks his audience to make sure he’s inspiring empathy of the truest kind. If he wasn’t so adorable, I’d want to flick him. So, I make nice to his … [Read more...]

So far first grade is awesome. I know its only the second day, but my kid is in love with school.  Like seriously. It makes my heart aflutter. Except for the part about that dropping him off gets me to my office at 10. Instead of at 9. Which is the time I’m contractually obligated to begin my work day. As I have a PhD in Scheduling and Logistics, I should be able to figure … [Read more...]

There was a baby crying on the train today.  The baby was hysterical, emitting those asmathic, heaving sobs that catch a mother in her womb and pull at it like knitting needles. It was a crowded train.  Particularly crowded for noontime.  I managed to snag a seat, but I couldn’t see where the cries were coming from.  Too many passengers were standing in the aisle.  And though the car … [Read more...]