View from the Empty Nest: New Wives Tales

It is about time that we do something about Old Wives’ Tales. All those old wives died eons ago. Their tales no longer resonate with anybody. But we all need something to cling to in these days of the one percent, global warming, and falling real estate values. So I have taken it upon myself to give the world some New Wives’ Tales. You can thank me later. Feed a cold. Feed a fever. Feed a … [Read more...]

View from the Empty Nest: Stream of Conscious Vacuuming

This seems so futile; I do it over and over. I wish I could just go take a nap. Housework is never done. So maybe I should just stop doing it altogether. Although my Mother would say (may she rest in peace) that I never have done housework; I just do damage control. I bet Mom hated doing stairs. I am going to say the hell with it and have cake for lunch. My God, another … [Read more...]

View from the Empty Nest: Beck and Call

No one really listens to the officiant who marries them. They are too excited and in love. We promise all kinds of things. We used to even say we would “honor and obey.” I think they have taken THAT out of the ceremony. However, the part about “sickness and health” is still in there. And we promise that, too. Most people are very young and healthy when they get married. Sickness? What’s … [Read more...]

View from the Empty Nest: I’d Like to Thank the Little People

At my age, the odds that I am going to win anything big are looking slim. No matter how hard I try to make people laugh, my name is unlikely to be known in households around the country. But in case something I say in an offhand manner somehow goes viral, and I end up with a popular TV sitcom based on my blog, starring William Shatner as the Accordion Player and Diane Keaton as me, I thought it … [Read more...]

View from the Empty Nest: What Women Want

Christmas shopping?  My husband, along with many men, doesn’t want to be caught dead in a retail establishment .  For the men that I know well, Christmas shopping is a duty that is almost impossible to live up to.  For these men, and for all the men out there who feel helpless and lost in any store other than one selling hardware, I am going to present my TIPS FOR SHOPPING FOR FEMALES.  The … [Read more...]

View from the Empty Nest: When I’m 64

Ha. I bet the Beatles are absolutely RUEING the day they wrote that song. Because they are all way older than 64 now. And I also wager that they now wish they were so lucky as to be 64, because 64 is the new 40. Just to be clear, being in one’s 60’s is no picnic. No sir. Things start happening when you turn 60. Sagging things. Aching things. Blurry things. It is all so unfair, … [Read more...]

View from the Empty Nest: The Kick

It has been ages since I changed a diaper or plopped a squirmy baby into a high chair. I have forgotten how to fasten diaper pins. There is nothing crying in the night at my house any more. But last night, I felt my unborn grandson kick. He raised the topography of his mother’s stomach and moved my hand. It was an electric thrill. I wanted to put my mouth on his mom’s belly and call in to … [Read more...]

View from the Empty Nest: Let Me Tell You about My Operation…

You know those old people you roll your eyes about? The ones who get together to talk about their latest medical news? Lumbago? Surgeries? The state of their bowels? Well, guess what? I AM ONE OF THEM NOW! Last Friday I had surgery. Well, let me start at the beginning: one day I was fine and dandy, and the next day I found out I had cancer. I guess that is the way it is for everybody: they have … [Read more...]

View from the Empty Nest: One Hundred Years

As far as I am concerned, if you have been married for more than thirty years, it might as well be a hundred. It certainly seems that long. I have been married longer than I haven’t, and I am not sure that getting to know another person that well is an advantage. For instance, I can finish all of his sentences. As a matter of fact, I could probably start and finish all of them. There … [Read more...]

View from the Empty Nest: Faint Praise

We have all gotten one. A backhanded compliment: “That dress doesn’t look that bad on you.” Or the foot-in-mouth compliment: “Good job. You got just about all traces of the sweat stains out of that blouse.” Sometimes, we mean to be covertly insulting, but a lot of the time, we are not even aware that we are being obnoxious. Take my husband (please). I know that he is just barely … [Read more...]